An email conversation on rebounding from a bad breakup--Part One
by John

The following posting chronicles a series of emails that begun a few weeks ago, beginning the night this blog idea what hatched while exchanging comments on another blog. I am not using any real names, and I am obscuring any overly personal details. I'm sure we've all been here at some point--and if you're here now, I hope this helps. You probably will see me repeating some things in this email that you've seen in other postings on this blog--frankly, this emailer was a huge inspiration, so instead of me keep repeating myself in other postings, I felt I owed it to the readers to share the whole conversation. You're really getting an inside view on how this thing has developed.
This situation is a tough one because of the circumstances and the aftermath--and it really put the guy on the mat. This is tough. But the most important part of this story is that he wants to get up off the mat and get back out there. He understands that he is the only person who can make it any better.

Anonymous wrote: My ex broke up with me after a 2yr relationship. She left me for her job, shes one of those insanely driven/motivated types - her workmates appealed to her more than me. T'was hard because there was never any tangible reason to get over her, as she stayed single for the last 3 months - and hinted occasionally that we could get back together in the future. Anyhow, last weekend she had sex with some random guy at the pub, who she told me was 'hot' and that she doesnt find me attractive anymore… and that she is now moving on. So… no longer talking. JSmith, moments after my last ph call with my ex, i did as you suggested - got my old job back, moved with a friend in the clubbing district of my city, joined a local poker club @ the local pub, I now go out and make it an objective to meet new people and expand my social circle - even if i get rejected by chicks, meeting any new friends helps in the long run. I went out tonight with friends, but went clubbing... i honestly think clubbing is for the beautiful people only--no opportunity to use charm when you cant talk. It made me feel worse, knowing that my ex can pick up a 'hot' guy so easily. What is your view?

John responds: To tell the truth, I'm not a club guy either. The chicks are hot, yes, and appear to be easy targets, but I always struggled in a club. I have friends who are hits in a club--but it all comes back to practice.

My advice? If you want to club, go for it--but ol' Jsmith says that you should go do what you enjoy. If you go out and do the things that you enjoy doing, you're going to meet a girl that's a great fit for you. Then getting laid won't be an issue.

But let's say you want to go clubbing and practice picking up hot chicks. Why not? But keep in mind, if it's not your scene, you may not know how to use your charm. Take for instance when you're a noob on a message board. It takes you a while to learn the ropes, know what's what, and how to be accepted in the cool club. Same way in a real life social setting--if you want to bang club chicks, you'll have to go a lot and be seen and not heard until you know the ropes and know how to relate to the club chicks. Being a regular is the greatest--sometimes it's best not to try to nail a chick until you've gotten a good idea about what makes that particular crowd tick. You may find yourself being the one who gets nailed.

Sometimes you'll make eye contact with a chick and you get paralyzed with fear. Happens all the time and most of the time we let them get away, right? The best first move I ever did was the most honest. I walked right up to her after a few exchanges of glances and said, "Hi, I'm Jsmith, and I really don't have a line to give you--but I wanted to meet you." Worked like a charm. Most of them say, "you don't need a line" and start chatting you up. And let them talk, talk, talk. Just be a good listener and scream confidence, to the point of being cocky. It's about them until they ask you about you. Throw some cash around, buy up some drinks, and don't commit to one chick too early in the evening--but don't let a sure bet off the line too early either. A couple of hours before closing time is a great time to commit to the one you think you have the best shot with. And be sure you have enough cash to make it to the finish line--don't start out as the life of the party and then become Scrooge. You'll go home broke and alone--but you'll go home wiser. Remember--practice makes perfect. Just don't catch yourself buying 8 drinks every round--you'll figure it out. Pace yourself. And DON'T get shitty drunk. That's the best way to screw it up. You get THEM shitty drunk.

When chatting them up be coy--answer questions with a question and above all, do not be afraid to tease them. Not in a mean way, but if one of them says she doesn't like her shoes (or something like that), just say, "yeah, you could have gone with something different". No one else in the joint would say anything like that--you'll stand out and she'll think you're so confident that you have to be the one she goes home with.

Good luck. Clubs are tough and it's expensive training. But if that's what you want, then go for it. But I always found myself at my best with a cute girl at the pub.

Of course, this goes much deeper--it isn't quite this simple, but it's the basics. I'd be interested to hear how you're progressing and use it as a feature on the blog. I'd like to think it will be up and running by the end of the month.

Peace and good luck!

Now, at this point, I am completely not helping you if I don't tell you that internet dating is really where it's at. At this point, you've come to realize that women are SELECTIVE, and this is their nature. Accepting this helps you understand what I'm about to say--it's up to you to present a selectable image. And what better place to do this than a dating site where the women are shouting, I AM AVAILABLE AND I AM LOOKING. Lucky for you, I have done the work and research into what women are interested in SELECTING. Find out more in my article, How to Succeed to Internet Dating. Shoot me an email in the Mailbag and I'll let you know when it's done.

"Anonymous" wrote back and said that he just didn't like the clubs and felt like the pubs was more in his wheelhouse. And after reading this with some perspective, I'm not so sure I offered him much help. As it turned out, he stuck to the original plan that's highlighted here--he's not afraid to get back out there. More later on how he's progressing.



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