How To Talk To Chicks
by John

So, I'm telling a friend about my idea for a blog. He says, "ok smart guy, how do I talk to chicks? Where can I meet them?" My first response is, "slow down fella--we may have figured out what's been your biggest stumbling block. Take it easy and be cool."

"OK, I can be cool," he says. "But I work at a help desk and I'm into gaming. I don't even know where to meet a chick, much less what to say to one."

Admittedly, this will be a tough challenge, but anyone can apply a few tried and true steps and find that special girl for a night or for an extended period of time.

The Master Rule: Be social doing what you love to do. You'll hear this from me a million times. If you get out there doing things you love doing--even if it's hanging out in friggin' Second Life--you WILL find a girl you have tons of things in common with. OK, so are you ready to get out there and meet a girl? I present The Eight Rules of How to Talk to Chicks.

Rule #1: Be yourself. Blah, blah, blah...blah blah blah. I know what you're thinking--"yeah, I'm myself everyday and it ain't working." Well did you ever think that you might be a work in progress? Do you eat well or do you look malnourished? Have you seen the sun lately or are you cursed with the pasty skin that comes with an addiction to Everquest? The bottom line--do you look healthy? If you look boring and pale, guess what? You're boring and pale. Get out for God's sake and take some pride in your appearance. Take a shower. Get yourself some nice clothes and a decent pair of shoes. Buy some clothes that actually fit. Join a gym or buy some weights. If you take pride in yourself, guess what? You'll start to look confident. From that point, it's just practicing that confidence.

Rule #2: Be aware. If you followed Rule #1, then you're going to find yourself at a comic book convention and exchaging a glance with some cutie. And you'll know if she is looking at you or repulsed that she happened to be looking at you when you noticed. Chances are, you're pretty well versed with the latter. But...if it's the former, DO NOT BE AFRAID TO WALK UP AND SAY HELLO. This is simply practicing your confidence. If you fail, fuck it--if you do this enough, you'll get practiced and you'll fail less. In baseball, if you bat .300, you're an All Star. In dating, you're a Romeo.

Rule #3: Be honest. So, you've locked eyes and now you're walking up to her. She notices you're coming up to her and at this point, you're both fidgeting. Quit it--breathe and relax. Let her fidget and you keep the upper hand. Release the tension from your shoulders, then work your way down your body. Stand up straight. Breathe. Offer your hand for shaking and say, "Hi, I'm __________. What's your name?" (She'll tell you.) Then, lightheartedly say, "I'm sorry, I noticed you and I really wanted to meet you, and I gave it some thought, but I just don't have a decent line to give you. I hope you can forgive me." (Confidence, humility, and a sense of humor--she just got wet.) I'll bet you a hundred bucks she says, "you don't need a line."

Rule #4. Listen. The only thing a chick likes better than shopping is the return counter. The only thing she likes better than the return counter is yapping about herself. This goes for all chicks, whether she shops at Macy's or at a thrift shop. Just let her talk and ask questions to keep her yapping. Appear to be a good listener and relate--but do not interrupt. The longer she talks, the better off you are. Be patient, Cool Breeze. If you are so horny and pent up that you want to dry hump her at the Spiderman booth, you're going to screw this up. Be patient. LISTEN. If you're paying attention, she'll tell you what to do next. You just need the cajones. More on that in a bit.

Rule #5. Be aware. This comes back around again because pretty soon, either she has to go, has nothing else left to say (not likely, but still), or really is ready to go someplace a little more quiet. Here's where you step in. If you've really been listening, you know what to say--she's told you everything she likes, thus, she's told you everything she wants to hear. For example, don't tell her about your WoW prowess unless she told you about hers. Tailor your message to fit what she wants to hear, but be honest (see rule #3). If it's time to go and you aren't leaving together, get her phone number, myspace, email, something. Don't be a douche and part with, "ok, check ya later". Remember--even if she shoots your down or says, "I've got a boyfriend", you've still got some good practice in. If she starts looking at you and holding that gaze a little longer, or even asks you, "so what do you want to do next", watch the part in the 40 Year Old Virgin where he answers every question with a question. When it comes down to being cool and coy, that shit absolutely works.

WARNING--If you're in a social situation that involves alcohol, DO NOT GET SHITFACED DRUNK. No chick goes home with a slurring lush because a slurring lush has no game and doesn't have the mental faculties to stick to the plan. Pace yourself and make sure she gets just drunk enough to lower her inhibitions, not drunk enough to find you getting tagged with date rape.

Rule #6. The first kiss. Sometimes it's cool to go for it, other times you're going to have to buy her dinner first. Either way, you have to time this moment right and not be afraid. A good litmus test? That long look is a good sign. Or, if it's time to go home, try the old *MUAH* kiss on the cheek. If she doesn't turn her! After that, she'll tell you what she wants.

Rule #7. Listen and be aware. See how this all comes back around time and again? After you blow through rule 6, you're really on your own. If you listen and are aware, you'll be just fine.

Rule #8. If it comes down to getting down, slow down. A chick needs more time to get the motor warmed up than you do, so handle her delicately. Be patient--and aware. She'll tell you everything you need to know, sometimes without saying a word. Then, when things get moving in earnest, bring out the beast. A song with great advice is "Fuck Her Gently" by Tenacious D. Yeah, it's a funny--because it's true.

No matter who you are or what you're into, you're going to meet the girl you want when you're out doing what you love best. Always remember that. So get out there being social doing what you love doing! And god dammit, be yourself, be honest, be aware, listen, be COOL, and GET LAID!



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